Conversational Skills
by ikasamelindora
Summary: Two's a crowd in one's head; Allen has decided this is a simple fact of life, and if any of those annoying Noah try to tell him otherwise, he's punching them. In the face. Hard. The Fourteenth isn't exactly helping either, with his disapproval of sarcasm.


_("Conversational Skills" otherwise known as:)_

D . Gray -man: Chapter 189 and the Epic Crack!fic That Ensued Because of It

**A/N: **This fic is kinda...strange (did you _see_ the Crack!fic warning?), so, uh, some info: "speaking" _'the fourteenth's thought-speak-stuff'_. Well, now that that's cleared up...Enjoy--I guess?

**Disclaimer:** We don't own D . Gray -man _(why does fanfictionnet like to delete that?)_. We don't own this chapter of DGM. We wish we owned Allen; Katsura Hoshino refuses this request. Case=CLOSED.

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"Listen up Earl! And the "14th" too. I'm Allen, an exorcist! And I'd die before I became anything else."

Allen glared at the Earl and pushed the Fourteenth away from the front of his mind. No way was Allen giving up his head space just because the Fourteenth was all, "Bwah! I do believe I'll make my appearance now!"

_'There's no need to be so hasty, Allen-dear. We both know I'll just take over your body anyway.' _The malice in his voice was clear, but laced with the quiet patience an adult would have for a child.

"Oh be quiet! I'm not letting _you_ take over! What kind of exorcist would I be then?!" Allen rolled his eyes up in exasperation, crossing his arms.

"Shounen~." Tyki peered at him with eyebrow raised. "_What_ are you _doing?"_

Allen blinked. "Uh, talking to the Fourteenth?"

Tyki leaned back. "What? Inside your head? How'd you get him to do that?"

"I don't know!" Allen huffed exasperatedly, "He's just right there, and he's talk—" _'that's because I'm trying to—'_ "—shut it! No, no, stop it…Oh, shut _up!"_

_'But, Allen, really, we can speak about this matter in a civilized manner, if you'd be so kind—'_

"Civilized?" Allen hissed indignantly, " You want me to be _civilized?"_

Louvelier cut in sharply, "Are we to believe, Allen Walker, that you've been in contact with the Fourteenth this entire time?" His narrowed eyes focused warily on Allen.

"No!" Allen shouted, "He's just…there now! He just started speaking when the Earl…" he trailed off and then turned to the Earl, glaring with the full power of his poker persona. _"You._ You just _had_ to talk to him, _didn't you?_ And now he won't _stop talking!"_ He paused, rolling his eyes up towards his brow. "No! I will not vacate my brain!"

_'Not for anything in the whole wide world that I could have to offer you?'_

"…you live in my head. What do you _have?"_

_'Ah, but if you let me have control over you, then I __would be able to give you something.'_

Here, Allen paused to wonder why the Fourteenth had any reason to believe Allen would be so stupid. "I would be _dead._ Which sort of defeats the purpose."

_'Not necessarily,'_ the Fourteenth paused here to chuckle and that was decidedly _weird, 'Dear boy, I could keep you alive in my head, as I am now. It would simply be a sort of role reversal. You would not have to die.'_

"Do you really think that I think that you think _that you think_ I'm important enough for that?"

_'As Mana's adopted son, you __are indeed that important.'_ The Fourteenth's voice assured gently.

"Don't even pull that card!" Allen seethed, "I don't care what you say. Stop with the persuading…or, whatever you're trying to do. Just be straight with me, all right?"

There was a long pause, and Allen's head was unnaturally quiet. Then, the Fourteenth spoke up, voice tight, _'Fine, then. You need to leave. Now. It is time for me to return.'_

"And why you? Why me?" Allen asked, "What's so special about you? Because, technically, you couldn't even _be_ here without me. So, you should be grateful…or _something."_

"Yeah, you should be grateful to Allen!" Johnny shouted.

"Hush." Sheryl waved his hand absently at Johnny, who fell silent again. "You Order people always say silly things at such inopportune times."

Allen was brought back to the outside world with this simple interference and noticed most everyone staring at him like he had gone mad. Which he supposed he had, talking to a bloody voice in his head…

Tyki strolled up to Allen, hands in his pockets, looking curious, and bent in close to Allen's face. "So, the Fourteenth's right in there?"

Allen nodded warily, eyebrow raised. "Yes."

"Right." Tyki took a deep breath and then yelled, "Hey, yo, Fourteenth! Why'd you choose the cheating boy?! He can play _poker!"_

"Yeah, Fourteenth." Road randomly floated down from the sky, sitting upon Lero, dangling her legs over the edge, apparently bored with being a doll. "Why'd you pick _Allen?_ Now he'll have to disappear, and that's no fun at all! At least let me play with him before you take over!"

A sweatdrop appeared on Allen's temple.

Sheryl stood straight and walked over to join the "circle of fun"—sometimes Allen really wanted to hurt somebody—and flicked Allen's forehead.

"Ow?!" Allen sputtered in shock.

Sheryl covered Allen's mouth and spoke directly to the Fourteenth. "Why did you choose a little kid? One with _Innocence_ for an arm, no less. A future exorcist isn't exactly the best host for a Noah, dear." Sheryl flapped a hand at him, rolling his eyes.

_'This Sheryl is just as annoying as the Sheryl from when I was alive,'_ the Fourteenth's voice had a slight amount of affection, but it was mostly just annoyance.

"Brother, are you not going to _talk_ to your own _family?" _Sheryl asked, voice shocked.

Due to the fact that Sheryl's hand still covered his mouth, Allen really couldn't answer.

So Allen bit him.

"Eeep!" Sheryl shrieked, very unmanly, "What—what was _that?"_

"Well," Allen shrugged, "You wouldn't move your hand."

Road leaned down and cooed, "Aw, he bit you!"

Allen tilted back to peer up at her, frowning, eyebrows tilted down. "What is _wrong_ with you?" The Fourteenth seemed to share his sentiment.

Tyki crowded up closer to Allen again and said, "We've been trying to figure it out, honestly, but it's been to no avail so far."

"What was that?" Road smiled sweetly, swooping lower threateningly.

"Oh, nothing," Tyki grinned, "Just explaining to Allen how we can't seem to help you, what with your, ah, 'disease'—what was it called? _Insufferable-ness?"_

"Daddy!" Road whined, kicking her foot out towards Tyki's head.

"Oh!" Tyki held up a finger. "There's one of the side effects! Petulance!"

Sheryl stepped towards Tyki. "Did you just insult my daughter?" He seemed highly offended, but in an amused way.

Tyki beamed and said sarcastically, "Would never _dream_ of it!"

Both Road and Sheryl opened their mouths, and Allen felt he had to interfere, because everyone was getting _way_ too close to him now.

"Alright, alright," Allen lifted his hands up placatingly, "If you could all please just back up a few feet, that would be _great,"_ his voice dropped to a mutter, "or another dimension would work nicely…"

"But, Allen, what kind of Noah would we be _then,_ if we didn't annoy any exorcists?" Road asked mockingly.

"_Living_ Noah," Allen hissed, arms tightening dangerously.

His expression must have been pretty frightening, because surprisingly, they all took a large step back. The Fourteenth chuckled in his head (that was _creepy,_ the way it reverberated). _'Well, you did have to deal with Cross for all those years; you've picked up on a few things.'_

"Aha…Master's debts can…uh, affect people after a while…" Allen muttered with a depressed sidelong look.

"Why will he only talk to _you?"_ Road whined from her spot above them.

"Not true, Road-sama!" The sentient umbrella-golem-_thing_ shrieked, "The Fourteenth talked to Earl-sama—Lero!"

Sheryl gasped and leaned towards Allen, "It's true! Fourteenth, you can't talk to the Earl and _not_ talk to the rest of your family!" Sheryl leaned back, planted his hands on his hips, and huffed, "That is just _rude."_

Allen kind of hated his life. Honestly, these Noah were all crazy, and they all seemed to have made _him_ their "Exorcist-of-Interest".

_'Tell Sheryl,'_ the Fourteenth murmured thoughtfully, _'that he's the most idiotic Noah to ever have walked the earth.'_

Sighing, Allen muttered, "No, I will not tell him th—"

All the Noah, with actual bodies that is, gasped and leaned toward him. "What did he say!?" They shouted of one accord.

"Really…?" He was met with expectant faces. "Oh, _fine._ Sheryl—the Fourteenth says you're the stupidest Noah ever. Sorry."

Flipping his hair over his shoulder, Sheryl said with a small smile, "Yes. That _is_ the Fourteenth!"

"Doesn't he have a _name?"_ Allen asked. "Don't you have a name? I'm tired of saying 'the Fourteenth' so many times. You know?" He implored the other Noahs, eyebrows raised.

"He never really told us to call him a name other than the Fourteenth," Tyki explained.

"Alright, Fourteenth, out with it. What's your name?" Allen crossed his arms.

_'Well, you can call me the Millennium Ear, I suppose, if you want an alternate title.'_

"Why would I call you the _Earl_; that name's already taken," Allen stated and was about to go on when Tyki interrupted.

"Didn't you hear, shounen? Before, the Fourteenth was going on about becoming the Millennium Earl. And, way, _way_ back, he must've tried to actually _kill_ the Earl, which must be why the Earl killed_ him—"_

At this point, all the Noah present in the room turned to glare and shout at the Earl, "Not that we knew about this or anything!!!"

"—so, that's probably what happened." Tyki concluded, looking thoughtful.

"Wait." Allen looked around at all the Noah before focusing again on Tyki. "You're telling me that…I have a Millennium-Earl-wannabe living in my head?"

"Pretty interesting, eh, Exorcist?" a silver-haired Noah that Allen had never seen before smirked.

Road squealed from her position in the air, "This game is getting to be so much _fun!"_

Allen turned his attention inwards, "You mean you want to be the Millennium Earl, Fourteenth?"

_'Yes. I'll kill him and become the Millennium Earl myself.'_ The Fourteenth sounded incredibly self-confident and smug.

Allen closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then slowly exhaled. "Right then. Get out."

_'…pardon me?'_

"Get out." Allen set his shoulders. "I will not have the Millennium Earl inside my head. So, now, if you please, do us all a favor and _get the bloody hell out of my head."_

The Fourteenth fell silent and then ventured quietly, _'What?'_

"Get out." Allen said adamantly.

_'Why?'_ the Fourteenth murmured, _'Get…get out?'_

Allen nodded, eyes closing. "Yes. Leave. Go away. Get. Out."

_'What are you saying?'_

"Did I _stutter?_ No? Then, exactly what I said. Having a Noah in my head is one thing, but the Millennium Earl just does _not_ work at all."

_'Well I can't exactly _leave_—'_ the Fourteenth began.

With a roll of his eyes, Allen said, "I don't care. Does it seem like I do? Because I don't, you know."

_'But—but—you're Allen Walker. You care about _everyone._'_

"Yes." Allen gave a nod of acquiescence. "But not you."

The Fourteenth sputtered and seemed indignant, _'Why me? And I can't just leave—'_

"But you _can_ leave, yes? Good, get out."

_'No, I can't leave. It's not really on my agenda. I'm not giving up; I've waited too long to come back.'_

Allen slapped his palm into his face and muttered half-inaudibly, "You're horrible, you know; almost as annoying as stupid _Cross."_

_'…You're really not a bad kid,'_ Allen could hear the smile in his voice. _'You've got a lot of…spunk, I guess…' _the Fourteenth chuckled (hot _damn_, that was so weird!).

"I hope you know I'm not grateful. Terribly sorry."

"Hate to interrupt you, Exorcist, because I do love a good family spat—"

"I am not family!" Allen shouted, throwing his arms up.

"Oh you might as well be." Sheryl waved a hand at him. "Anyway, as enjoyable as this _is,_ we really should get on with things. The Earl's getting distressed."

All heads turned to the Earl who was still sitting on the floor, smiling at them all.

"Doesn't look distressed to _me,"_ Allen muttered.

_'Oh, don't worry,'_ the Fourteenth explained, _'He always looks distressed.'_

"Really?" Allen tapped his chin. "I was thinking more along the lines of 'insane', but okay."

The Road doll—because, apparently, Road thought it was more interesting to be a doll, _now_—lifted its head from beside the silver-haired Noah and laughed, "It's been fun, Allen!"

Then a blur sped past the white haired Noah and spun through the air towards the Earl. When it materialized, the blur turned out to be Kanda, long hair swooshing in the wind. Tyki blocked the attack quickly, effortlessly, and the Millennium Earl fell backwards…again.

Allen heard Sheryl squeal something about his Road, but Allen ignored him in favor of helping Tokusa and yelling at Kanda—a favorite pastime of Allen's, really, it was a perfect stress-reliever. "Kanda, you were able to move!?"

Kanda, who held the Road doll in his mouth, retorted, "Got a problem with that?"

"Not really." Allen twitched, gritting his teeth. "But it really vexes me that you were immobile the whole time."

"I woke up here after I got smashed in the head. It took me a while to grasp the situation." He undid the tie on Road's dress.

"Ahh!" She screamed. "What are you doing, pervert?!"

"Shut up!" Kanda huffed, "Your brother broke my hairtie, so hand that ribbon over!"

Allen felt like smacking someone. Oh, look, Kanda was in the vicinity! Perfect! "That's what you captured her for?"

Tokusa spoke up, saying, "Anyway, we need to retreat at once and recover ourselves."

He would've agreed, but then Allen heard the ominous sounds of something breaking and cracking and knew that the stupid Noah were up to something again.

Today was _not_ a good day.

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...well, we did say it was crack!fic...Though, I like this one, kinda, actually. It was written in class (no surprise there) a while back because I was way bored. And, Ch 189 had some mega!crack material, as you chapter followers know...So this was born. OH, and this our first foray into DGM fanfiction [not really, but the only one you guys know about~] so hello! Now, I will stop bugging you and go be random elsewhere.

Hope you had a laugh or a chortle or a chuckle (WHICH IS A CHORTLE IN DISGUISE) or something. Reviews would be cool; flames'll make me laugh, so if you hated it, go on and tell me so (though a 'why' would be nice instead of mindless non-grammar~)! If you see any grammar mistakes, report them if you'd please, and, for cereal, GOODBYE NOW. :D


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